Postpartum depression from a work from home mom, (and the 5th trimester)
- Feb 26, 2020
- 6 min read
I feel like this is way overdue and that I need to tell my story in hopes it might help another mom who may be struggling with the 5th trimester (yes, it's a thing) mental health needs to be looked at more often than it is.
I want to preface this post and tell you one thing, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM for having any type of depression or anxiety regardless if it is postpartum or not and I will shout that till I can't shout it anymore.
I love my boys to the moon and back and wouldn't change a thing about them. I am 100% sure I had postpartum depression with my first and just didn't realize it. I had normal pregnancies with both my boys and they both are happy and healthy. There were certain complications with my youngest during labor and delivery and he had to be transferred to the NICU immediately after my skin-to-skin time and I laid in my hospital bed for the remainder of my stay with no baby to hold constantly. As I laid there my mind kept thinking "did I do something wrong?" "Am I the one who made him have heart complications during labor?" and even though I know nothing I did cause his NICU stay, I couldn't help thinking these things. After being discharged and sent home, without my baby, it really started to sink in. I had never done this before, being sent home without him was really hard on my husband and me. We would visit almost every day to give him what breast milk I pumped out for him and to just hold my baby and for his big brother to see and hold him as well. I honestly think the dads should have more paternal leave as much as the mom but that's a whole other blog post.
After two weeks in the NICU and being under the blue lights for jaundice, the tiniest little CPAP machine
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and oxygen was taken off over time, we got the all-clear that our little baby boy could come home.
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Fast-forward a few weeks and we were adjusting to being newborn parents and I was excited to get back to work. My husband and I had a system, or so we thought. He told me "I'm glad you know what you are doing, cause I don't" so I created our system for how I would work during the day while our newborn napped and my oldest played. My husband and I would take turns caring for our baby and I thought to myself "I know how boys are, I have one already. This will be a piece of cake". When they say every baby is different, it is true. I did in fact have a boy already, but this was a whole new ballpark. I quickly realized I did not know what I was doing. I tried to keep a schedule, breastfeed, edit photos, post on my social media those photos, be a good wife, mom, business owner and keep the house clean. I went from "I got this" to "What is going on here" and I started feeling more and more depressed and anxious about everything and just wanted to lay on the couch or in bed for no reason and didn't know why as I had a great support system.
I remember multiple times being anxious to drive somewhere, anywhere, or feeling like I was trapped and couldn't breathe. I remember sitting in front of my laptop working while it was nap time and just thinking of how overwhelmed I felt with everything, even though I really had nothing to be overwhelmed about realistically. I kept telling myself it was my hormones and that they would adjust in a few weeks and that I was fine. Except I wasn't.
Despite the signs, I refused to accept that my problems were psychological. I battled with these feelings for 6 weeks postpartum. I would give myself pep talks and tell myself to snap out of it and that I just needed to get myself together. Then 30 minutes later I would be in the bathroom crying. It wasn't until I went for my 6-week checkup when my OBGYN asked me how I was doing that I just busted into tears. I then realized I needed help as it wasn't going away. She truly listened to me and what I was feeling and I couldn't love her more for that. I told her how my thoughts would be all over the place at all times and that I never had any suicidal or harmful thoughts I just felt helpless to the way I was feeling. We started with some medications that helped balance my brain and my feelings and it was a start and I highly recommend you talking with your doctor if you find yourself even the slightest like I am describing.
Some things to think about when you think "I got this." and in fact, you don't.
For many women like myself, we work from home and we need to make money still and want to be able to work just like we did before baby. The problem though, if you're dealing with it in the middle of working on a project, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. Some think PPD is just tears and baby blues when in reality it could be a full-blown anxiety attack during a client meeting.
I'm a type-A person and I am independent and always think I can do things on my own when in reality I have a hard time asking for help. You need to acknowledge the symptoms and then seek help. I know sometimes we think we are the only ones who know what it's like but that is what the professionals are there for. Being a strong independent woman also means knowing when to ask for help, and I'm glad I finally did.
Also, I was not aware of this until recently but if you're protected by the ADA and you work outside the home for a company of 15 or more, PPD is protected under the American Disabilities Act. A law enacted by the government in 1990, it provides civil rights protections to individuals with disabilities. You will need your doctor to diagnose you and then tell your employer. In most cases, your employer is not bound by the law if they don't know about the disability, so tell them.
If you're in the position to not take on extra work, don't. You will be more valuable to your clients or your work when you're back to your normal self (and it will happen). Don't take on too much just to keep yourself busy, you will just get overwhelmed and tears will come and make it worse. Take it easy on yourself, you just created a human being for 9 months, I believe maternity leave should be just as long in my opinion. One last thing to remember, moms are doing this every day and they are killing it, you can too.
So in closing, even though my journey went from PPD to low breast milk supply, to find out our baby had a tongue tie, to him developing eczema and allergies, to experimenting with the amount and the right medication to take, to me finally finding a happy medium with my workload, to the happy healthy toddler that we have today. I am doing 100% better than I was this time last year. I am so blessed with the friends, family, and clients that have stayed with me throughout this process and for those that had no idea what was going on with me (till now) and still just being there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I also cannot wait to see my business thrive in 2020 as I plan on killing it and becoming a better photographer for all my clients, current and future. Stay tuned for that.
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As always, I'm just a private message away if you ever need a mom to talk to, about PPD or anything. I'm here. Seriously, even if you just need to vent or have a good cry, I'm here.
-Tanna Marie
@mermaidmomboss
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